After a few seasons away from behind the bench, I was asked by a very respectable coach in the minor hockey association I work for, if I’d be interested in helping him with the coaching duties for a local Midget team.\u00a0 Initially, I was hesitant.\u00a0 I’ve had experience coaching before, so I’m fully aware that taking on such a responsibility of coaching requires a full commitment.<\/p>\n
Its more than just being on the bench or running a few drills in practice.\u00a0 Its the long drives to small community rinks at late evening hours and, of course, the long drives back home at even later hours.\u00a0 Its losing a close game and constantly racking your brain afterwards as to what could have prevented such a result.\u00a0 This behaviour also causes a loss of sleep, or at the very least a lack of good, restful sleep.\u00a0 Plus, a coach needs to be at the rink before the rest of the team and is required to stick around after games and practices to make sure everyone is ready to go.<\/p>\n
Before the game, coaches need to be present for myriad reasons.\u00a0 Filling out the game sheet, prepping the lineup, selecting a starting goaltender, pregame pep talks with either individuals or groups of players and generally speaking, being present for whatever may occur.\u00a0 After the game, a coach will need to stick around, so if there was a penalty issue through the course of the game, he will immediately be up to speed on pending suspensions or any other issue regarding officials.\u00a0 A post game rundown to be afforded the players – sometimes an easy approach and others, not so much.\u00a0 Plus, win or lose, the coach must be prepared for an impromptu meeting with a parent.\u00a0 \u00a0Needless to say, there is a lot to consider as a coach.<\/p>\n
As I stated before, I was aware of that, but still needed some time to consider if I really wanted to do all of that.\u00a0 In addition to working for the minor hockey association, I also work at the arena housing all of those minor hockey teams.\u00a0 I don’t know a lot of people who work all week only to turn around and volunteer their time at their place of work.\u00a0 Maybe there are masses of individuals who see fit to do so, even if they dislike their jobs.\u00a0 More power to them.\u00a0 I am not one of those upstanding individuals.\u00a0 For me, leaving my office at the end of my shift is a highly anticipated event.\u00a0 Once I leave, I have no intention on returning until I absolutely have to – and even then, I would certainly be reluctant.\u00a0 However, this isn’t about how much I dislike my job.\u00a0 Its a commentary on how I believe myself to be a loser.<\/p>\n
In the end, I accepted the challenge of coaching a Midget BB team for the season.\u00a0 It was a lot of work, but initially, it was rewarding and fulfilling.\u00a0 The coaching staff was granted an exceptional group of young men with a high desire to win.\u00a0 And win they did.\u00a0 The boys ran the table in their league with a perfect 20-0 record.\u00a0 They also managed to win their home tournament, finish as finalists in a regional Silver Stick and once playoffs rolled around, trounced their first round opponent with 3 straight wins to sweep the series.<\/p>\n
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the incredible staff I worked with.\u00a0 A slew of experienced fellows that know their way around a minor hockey team.\u00a0 In fact, the head coach and the trainer were a part of a championship team at the midget level, a few years ago; a first for our association in over 30 years.\u00a0 Aside from knowing most of the kids on the team, having worked with them in the past, getting the opportunity to work with that staff and learn from their winning ways was the big incentive for me.\u00a0 You see, I haven’t won anything before as a coach and I have always wanted to know what it takes to win.\u00a0 I thought that working with this group would provide me the opportunity to learn about the requirements necessary to put a team over the top and become champions.<\/p>\n
I really wanted to do it with this team, too.\u00a0 They’re a really good group of kids and when I worked with them a few seasons ago, as minor bantams, they had a tough season riddled with lopsided losses.\u00a0 It was an awful year of parental interference, coaching ineptitude (myself included) and a severe lack of depth throughout the association, not just the team I worked with.\u00a0 Children crying, coaches being attacked by irate parents, players being prompted by adults to question the coach and his tactics and an entire league that looked down on our inclusion.\u00a0 We were a bit of a joke, but no one was laughing.<\/p>\n
Considering the results of our regular season campaign, along with the rest of the coaching staff, I felt we had an incredible opportunity to make some noise in the playoffs.\u00a0 Ah, who am I kidding?\u00a0 I thought we were going to win a championship.\u00a0 It was a topic of discussion all season long.\u00a0 Before our first team practice, the head coach and I had planned on walking in the room with the team we had assembled and announcing our intention to compete for a championship.\u00a0 We genuinely felt we had a terrific chance and we wanted to share that with the guys.\u00a0 In our minds, there was no need to skirt the issue and pretend we didn’t have a good team.\u00a0 We wanted to speak about our plan for the season and make winning the focus and overall theme for the year.<\/p>\n
As we stepped into the room, we realized the conversation had started without us.\u00a0 The players themselves were aware of the potential of this squad and they wanted to make sure that everyone was on the same page.\u00a0 Witnessing this was definitely reassuring, as far as the players’ motivation was concerned.\u00a0 As a staff, we decided our focus would be on strategy and tact.\u00a0 Considering their motivation, we would just need to steer them in the right direction.<\/p>\n
The season brought about a result I could never have anticipated.\u00a0 We went 20-0 on the year!\u00a0 A perfect season within our league.\u00a0 It was incredible to witness and really special to be a part of.\u00a0 I don’t want to gloss over the achievement; the players worked very hard all season long to accomplish this feat.\u00a0 We didn’t set out to complete a perfect season, however, we believed that it was a sign of how good our team was and that bigger things were expected in the playoffs.\u00a0 Boy, were we ever wrong.<\/p>\n
The first round of the playoffs was preliminary and came shortly after the regular season ended.\u00a0 Our opponent, familiar from our league play, was not up to the task.\u00a0 We swept them with ease, as was expected.\u00a0 This is where things start to go awry.\u00a0 Within a week of starting the first round, we were through to the next.\u00a0 The series opposite us had just started.\u00a0 For some reason, while we had the time to extend play within the first round, the other series delayed their start.\u00a0 Curious at the time, but no reason to worry.\u00a0 We were eager to continue, but felt the tempo of our practices would keep us in our groove.\u00a0 The delay continued as the other series took a strange turn and with a few ties mixed in, the other series went the distance and included a winner we didn’t expect.\u00a0 By the time the next series began, we hadn’t played a game in almost a full month.<\/p>\n
It was the quarter finals and we still had a long road ahead, but we were getting antsy about continuing our run and wanted to get things underway.\u00a0 Our opponent was ready for us.\u00a0 After being down in the previous series, they had to struggle to get their game going and managed to work away and wear down their opponent and come up with a win.\u00a0 They had enacted their character to get them through and they rolled with that vibe.\u00a0 We had been waiting for so long and yet, we believed we were ready.\u00a0 We lost the first game 6-3.\u00a0 No one panicked, but there was immediate concern from a few players and some team staff.<\/p>\n
As the ice scheduler for the local minor hockey association, I negotiate the playoff contracts.\u00a0 I select the dates and times, as available, for our centre and then shop those to find the most agreeable times between the two centres.\u00a0 I was the one who agreed to the contract arrangement.\u00a0 It was organized, for whatever reason, to play 3 games in 3 days.\u00a0 The head coach and other staff conveyed no desire to agree to such a schedule and warned of the potential dire consequences.\u00a0 I chose to ignore, believing that I knew my team and that it wouldn’t matter to the boys when they had to play.<\/p>\n
Whether it was a lack of adversity over the course of the season or not, the boys didn’t respond well to losing the first game.\u00a0 After a dressing room discussion on what we needed to do for game 2, we went on the road and lost that match 2-1.\u00a0 A slightly better performance, but injuries abound and fear setting in, we were down 2-0 in the series.\u00a0 The head coach and I were stunned at the result and were riddled with a queasiness that would not relent.<\/p>\n
On the ride home, we received a text from our starting goalie about picking up a practice the next morning, a few hours before game 3.\u00a0 Once we got home, we raced to the rink and booked an ice time.\u00a0 Just an hour to go over a few things and get the fellas comfortable on home ice again.\u00a0 It seemed to work, as there was a palpable difference in the room prior to game time.<\/p>\n
We trounced our opponent 7-1.\u00a0 It was a performance to behold for our team.\u00a0 A few players reached beyond their ability to keep us alive.\u00a0 It was amazing!\u00a0 I was far more emotional than I thought I would be, but we needed some positive energy and it was overwhelming to have that feeling.\u00a0 I don’t know about anyone else at that time, but I now believed we could win.\u00a0 We had a week between games 3 & 4, so we worked on a few things and prepared ourselves for a big win.<\/p>\n
I am not a good coach, but when I walked into the visitors dressing room to see a team facing elimination, my eyes gazed upon a scared group.\u00a0 I don’t know what happened between our last practice and this moment before game time, but we were not ready.\u00a0 The doubt I saw in their faces was unmistakable.\u00a0 I took a deep breath and stepped outside the room.\u00a0 I couldn’t look at that anymore.\u00a0 Albeit a quick change, I was furious.\u00a0 How could this have happened?\u00a0 Questions of this nature are rarely answered, but it is never a good sign once the question is posed.<\/p>\n
Sparing the details, not that they don’t matter, but if you’re still reading, you’d probably want to know at this point that we lost, 3-1.\u00a0 I was embarrassed.\u00a0 Emotions boiled over a few times in the series and more so in game 4.\u00a0 It was too little, too late.\u00a0 We were absolutely blindsided.\u00a0 A perfect season gone to waste.\u00a0 Fuck!\u00a0 The feeling of it all slipping away, while the other team laughed at us, is the worst I’ve felt in hockey.\u00a0 Watching the elation on the faces of a team we felt we should have beat was gut wrenching.\u00a0 And, of course, the idea that it was all gone was just setting in.\u00a0 There was no redo.\u00a0 No do over – just failure.\u00a0 The finality of it all was like what I sometimes imagine death to be like.\u00a0 Once its gone, its gone.\u00a0 Losers forever.<\/p>\n
Most of the group were 17 years old, so this was the end of their minor hockey careers.\u00a0 That is what I walked into in our room after the debacle.\u00a0 Kids crying, blank stares and silence, but for the whimpering and sniffling.\u00a0 My least favourite place to be.\u00a0 I could only stand a minute of it and I needed to vacate the space.\u00a0 I was so disappointed, I couldn’t speak.\u00a0 One question after another about what had happened and why.\u00a0 And although the line of questions I burdened myself with was endless, not once did I offer an answer.\u00a0 I was so confused; I felt stupid and vastly unqualified.<\/p>\n
Interestingly, the coach made a comment in the post game that stuck with me: “what’s the consequence here?\u00a0 Nothing.\u00a0 You don’t move on and for some its over, but there is no real consequence.\u00a0 Its just a game.”\u00a0 I guess I agree and in the end, he’s right.\u00a0 The result won’t take a future opportunity away from any of these guys.\u00a0 Eventually, we’ll all move on and carry no visible scars.\u00a0 Some of us will move on to bigger and better things and the loss will be but a blip on the screen.\u00a0 Yet, here I am, almost 3 months later, writing a post about it.\u00a0 Safe to say, I’m not entirely over it.<\/p>\n
After reading the preceding drivel ridden sob story, the reader may be rolling their eyes.\u00a0 ‘Big deal’, ‘Get over it’, and ‘So what?’ are perhaps the common responses to my plight.\u00a0 I get it.\u00a0 I don’t want to feel this way, but I do.\u00a0 I can’t stop thinking about what happened and why?\u00a0 I’m not necessarily looking to allocate blame in this scenario and certainly not any of the players, even if some of the blame is theirs.\u00a0 It’s not my concern.\u00a0 I don’t believe in placing blame to find an answer.\u00a0 I just want to know what happened.<\/p>\n
Finally, I have arrived at the point of this story.\u00a0 The tone of this post is a guy talking about losing.\u00a0 A guy that wants to win, but loses.\u00a0 A guy that wants so badly to win, but he doesn’t know how.\u00a0 I’ve coached 11 teams over 10 seasons within 14 years and I’m no further ahead now than I was when I first began coaching.\u00a0 I still don’t know how to win.\u00a0 I don’t want your pity for coming to this realization, either.\u00a0 That’s not why I’m writing this.\u00a0 I don’t want the win for me.<\/p>\n
As a coach, I wanted to believe that I could help lead a group of young hockey players to achieve their goal of winning a title.\u00a0 I wanted to be able to show them that they can do it.\u00a0 Trying to implore them with what I thought were the right things to say at the right times.\u00a0 In the end, I couldn’t do any of that.\u00a0 That’s a fact.\u00a0 Even now, I still don’t know what I could have done to change the outcome for those guys and I feel awful about it.<\/p>\n
Arriving at the conclusion I have, did not come easily.\u00a0 It also took longer than it should have, in retrospect.\u00a0 It may be something others can learn from, as well.\u00a0 The conclusion: I’m a loser.\u00a0 That is all; pure and simple.\u00a0 In realizing this, I’ve also come to terms with the fact that I shouldn’t be coaching anymore.\u00a0 I’m just not good at it.\u00a0 Could I improve?\u00a0 Maybe, but I’ve proven to at least myself, that even after ten seasons of experience, improvement just isn’t likely to happen.\u00a0 I’ve thought about that a lot.\u00a0 There is a quiet voice in my head that has told me that if I just worked harder, if I spent just a little more time, if I focused slightly more then maybe, just maybe, I’d be able to alter future outcomes.\u00a0 That is just not true.<\/p>\n
I spent my time helping a group that I was not qualified to help.\u00a0 Realizing that has really weighed me down.\u00a0 Not to become more self-loathing and badger myself with mental beat-downs that I’m just not good enough, but more that I used someone else’s time in minor hockey to practice something I was never going to get better at.\u00a0 I sacrificed the playing careers of some really good kids because I thought I knew how to coach.\u00a0 The time I spent robbed these guys of a chance at glory and none of them even knew that I was the reason why that happened.<\/p>\n
I did speak with one of the players a few weeks after we were eliminated.\u00a0 He asked if I was going to coach again.\u00a0 I already had made up my mind.\u00a0 I talked to him about what was going through my head and why I was left feeling the way I did.\u00a0 I think he was taken aback.\u00a0 I forgot he was just a kid and I don’t think he could identify with what I was saying.\u00a0 I needed to be careful to not place a burden on the young man.\u00a0 I haven’t spoken to him since.<\/p>\n
I don’t feel much better, but I’m sure in time, I will.\u00a0 The coach was right – I have no visible scars.\u00a0 It makes me wonder, though, how many other people can understand what I’m saying?\u00a0 I’d like to think that the epiphany I reached is of value to not just me.\u00a0 People don’t like to admit when they’re wrong.\u00a0 They also don’t like to believe that they can’t do what it is they like because they’re simply not good enough.\u00a0 I think too many people go through life praising mediocrity.\u00a0 I don’t know if there is anything explicitly wrong with that, but in my case, I can’t continue to do that where coaching is concerned.\u00a0 Coming to terms with being a loser was difficult, but essential.\u00a0 I don’t have a lingering concern about how I will be better.\u00a0 I now know that I can’t be any better.\u00a0 While that may sound defeatist, I’m at ease with it.\u00a0 My only regret is that I didn’t come to the realization sooner.\u00a0 I guess that just goes with the territory of being a loser.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
After a few seasons away from behind the bench, I was asked by a very respectable coach in the minor hockey association I work for, if I’d be interested in helping him with the coaching duties for a local Midget team.\u00a0 Initially, I was hesitant.\u00a0 I’ve had experience coaching before, so I’m fully aware that … Continue reading Loser<\/span>